You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
