hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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