The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
