they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
