I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
