the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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