Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
