I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
