omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
