I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The air taste purple.
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