just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
