Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I have aggressive nipples.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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