i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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