I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
