Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
