if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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