woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
