I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
