Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm really busy with my period
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