My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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