i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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