Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
