i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
