She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
