I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
