I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
