i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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