seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
