Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
