Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
