just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
