you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
