Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
