i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
