you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
