I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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