Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
