Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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