I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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