I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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