I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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