Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
