I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
are you so shy because you have an std?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
