i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
