dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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