I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
