He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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