when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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