my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
