It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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